Cover Letter

to: Vatican HR department

Dear Sir / Madam (Just kidding. No girls allowed. I know!)
It has come to my attention that you have a vacancy in your organisation that you will no doubt be looking to fill. Please find attached my CV, and believe me when I say that not only would I be interested in the position, I think I am uniquely qualified.
Let me first draw your attention to my time spent as the Director of Studies at a language school in Barcelona. (Beautiful churches, by the way. Great job on that!) In that job, I was responsible for managing an unruly group of people from diverse backgrounds whose primary aim seemed to be avoiding a life of responsibility while vainly attempting to convince the unappreciative masses of the necessity of their particular line of work. If herding socially maladjusted semi adults through weekly get-togethers to explain the importance and intricacies of a system that fails to hold up under scrutiny is the sort of experience you require, then I'm your shepherd.
My prior time spent as the vocalist in a touring band has uniquely prepared me for being thrust into the spotlight to receive the unmerited adulation of large groups of people. Granted, my previous experience in taking advantage of such a situation has been solely with consenting adults of the opposite sex, but I think an interview, rather than a letter, is the correct forum to defend and negotiate this choice.
Of course, there are some discrepancies in my experience that you might consider roadblocks. Foremost, I'm not a Catholic, never having been baptised, confirmed, communed or forgiven. True, I am a Jew, but I think we both know who else was, and you guys literally worship the ground he walked on. In a stunning coincidence, (or is it?) I was born on December 25th to a single mother. I'm not saying I'm the messiah, but God Himself's choice to lead His flock? It seems like an apt fit.
There are a host of areas where my personal philosophy diverges from church dogma - homosexuality, birth control, abortion, stoning, and witches to name a few. However, I've been led to believe you are no longer that strict about the stoning and the witches, so maybe we could let some of the other stuff slide too. Again, I believe that in an interview, I could better discuss how to appropriately ignore the word of God when it is convenient to do so, and will be able to provide documentation from your own organisation to back this up.
I understand that I'm not the only candidate for this job, and that you will be looking at people who have spent a lifetime in the church working towards the position. Let me just say that many successful organisations have been revitalised by the injection of some fresh blood at the top, and I believe yours would not be an exception. The Lord, it is said, works in mysterious ways.
Yours faithfully,
Noah